CollegeHumor: Recent Articles

Thomas Jefferson's 1st Draft of the Declaration of Independence

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 18:00:00 -0400

The Declaration of Independence is a formative document in our Nation's history.� Penned solely by Thomas Jefferson in 1774, it listed the grievances that the Colonials held towards King George and the British Empire.� At least it did eventually.� Keep Reading

	Written 2009-07-02 18:00:00 by Brad Einstein likes so far. Be the first!

Sex on the Beach

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 17:00:00 -0400

GUY: You know, my parents aren't home, we can just go back to my beach house. GIRL: But it's soooo romantic out here, isn't it?! I've always dreamt of making love on the beach! GUY: Oh, okay, but isn't it kind of cold? GIRL: That's what body heat is for, baby. Come on, let's take of your trunks. GUY: Shouldn't we put down a towel first? GIRL: No, no, we don't need a towel. Let's be one with the sea! Take off your trunks. GUY: But...sand...everywh-- Why do you keep saying trunks? GIRL: Shh... GUY: Ouch! Shannon! That feels like your rubbing broken glass up and down my dick! GIRL: Oh! Sorry! You were right. About the sand. It's all over my hands. Keep Reading

	Written 2009-07-02 17:00:00 by Talia Pollock likes so far. Be the first!

If The Climactic ''Independence Day'' Speech Happened In Reality

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 15:00:00 -0400

All that mid-90s starpower, and it's up to Randy F*cking Quaid to save the planet?

On the morning of July 4, 1996, U.S President James Whitmore is set to make a speech that will rally Americans to defeat the alien invaders.

Whitmore: Good morning.

The PA doesn't work at first, then he turns it on.

Whitmore: Good morning. In less than an hour-

Guy In Audience - A little trouble with the mic there, Mr. President?

Whitmore: Excuse me?

Guy In Audience: Oh, sorry, don't mind me.

Whitman: In less than an hour, aircraft from here-

Guy In Audience -It's just that it would be nice if the guy who's leading the attack against the aliens knew how to operate a simple P.A system.

Whitman: As I was saying, in less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world, and you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind.

Second Guy In Audience: How do you know what other countries are doing?

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Written 2009-07-02 15:00:00 by Conor McKeon from

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Issue #1

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 13:00:00 -0400

Ever have a sh*tty job that you wanted to complain about in a weekly submission-based column named after Blink-182 lyrics? Send your submissions to worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!

A drunk customer last night called my female co-worker "sir." I had to spend the next 2 hours reassuring this 50 year old woman that she didn't look manly (she does), and listen to her tell me over and over that she has tits.
- Anonymous

Once when I was interning for a state representative a constituent called and yelled at us because it wasn't raining enough. He thought the state should cloud seed over his neighborhood because all of their plants were dying.
- Amy, Southwestern University

I work at Best Buy, and the amount of UNBELIEVABLE stupid questions/requests that I get are borderline unforgivable to the point where I want to give up on humanity. Case in point, A guy walked up to me with a Canon ink cartridge, looked me dead in the eye, and asked if it was a webcam.
- Otto, School Not Given

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Written 2009-07-02 13:00:00 by Brian Murphy

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The Arm Wrestler

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0400

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Written 2009-07-02 12:00:00 by Fatawesome

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12 Television Characters We Never See (Even Though They Were On TV)

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 18:15:00 -0400

Since Samuel Beckett's "Waiting For Godot," the characters we don't see have been far more powerful than the ones we do. We've never seen Waiting For Godot and never go to the theater, so we looked at Wilson, Nanny, and 10 other TV personalities everyone knows, but nobody recognizes. George Steinbrenner, Seinfeld Many of TV's never-seen characters serve as omnipotent gurus whose baritone voices provide much-needed wisdom, like explaining to Tim why his wife's mental health is more important than the Detroit Auto Show. But nobody in Seinfeld's twisted New York was this rational -- not Jerry's neurotic best friends, not the fascist soup proprietor down the street, and certainly not the show's resident unseen force: New York Yankees owner (and boss of George Costanza) George Steinbrenner, whose nasally, scratchy voice (provided by series co-creator Larry David) offered George less advice, and more endless diatribes on the best place to sit in a hot tub and the many virtues of the calzone. Keep Reading

	Written 2009-07-01 18:15:00 by Jeff & Patrick likes so far. Be the first!

World's Toughest Religious Studies Test

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 17:00:00 -0400

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Written 2009-07-01 17:00:00 by Casey Campbell from

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Parents Just Don't Understand: 7/1

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 16:00:01 -0400

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace,""SpaceBook,"or "The World Wide Web?" If you've got an example of your Parents Just Don't Understanding, submit it here! And thank God we'll never be as dumb as they are! Your parents' Pandora. This is my aunt's Facebook status right now: Okay. I will call U. Stephanie Peterson, Kennesaw State University The other day my mom asked if youtube videos "expire" because one video she was watching didn't load all the way. k Funk From the other room I just heard my mother shout out in frustration, "I so suck at clip art!" Bryan S, F&M My mom just got a new cell phone. She was setting up her voicemail on it and wanted to see if she did it correctly so she asked me to call her. I called her phone and she picked up so I told her to just let it go to voicemail. She said OK. I called back and she picked up again. This happened two more times until I took the phone away from her. Kyle Kuhn, Ohio State Keep Reading

	Written 2009-07-01 16:00:01 by Susanna Wolff from likes so far. Be the first!

Ruminations #155: Thirty

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 15:00:00 -0400

-The first day of freshman year, I sat in my dorm room as everyone else on the hall moved in. Each time I heard footsteps, I cocked my head to listen closely in the hope I could glean any evidence that my new neighbors were female, hot, and promiscuous. I was eighteen at the time and had never before felt such anticipation. Eleven days ago, as the last seconds of my twenties ticked away and I prepared to celebrate my thirtieth birthday, I can't say I felt the same level of excitement. I was both nostalgic and apprehensive. In fact, now that I'm thirty - wow, it's weird even saying that - I feel a bit self-conscious. Like the next time I get drunk before noon or bang a chick whose first name I'm fuzzy on, I'll somehow get reprimanded for behavior inappropriate for a thirtysomething. Even though I'm equidistant from both, I just feel a lot closer to twenty than I do to forty. Thirty gets a bad rap - but I'm not ready to give up the good life. Keep Reading

	Written 2009-07-01 15:00:00 by Aaron Karo from likes so far. Be the first!

The Tanner You Get

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 14:00:00 -0400

How healthy you look Spontaneous combustion DJ, Stephanie, Michelle Uncle Joey Number of Bauhaus songs on your iPod Life expectancy Closeness to the equator Closeness to Long Island View Article

	Written 2009-07-01 14:00:00 by CH Staff likes so far. Be the first!

Peeny measurement conversion explanation by Country

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 13:00:00 -0400

Since it is summertime, many of you hot babes are going for summer vacation to exotic places like Canada and Thailand. Unfortunatley due to the Iron curtain of the United States of America many hot babes do not know that Inches of the Imperial system is not a standard unit of measurement when measuring a penis around the world. Many locals will try and trick tourists and respond with answers like "8" or "12" usually not revealing the form of measurement they refer to until it is too late. To ensure that all you Goldyloch's find a summer time playa with something "just right" here is a simple conversion chart that you can print out, color in and use this summer! In Canada a "Beaver Trapper" is measured in Centimetres, 1 inch is equivalent to 2.54 centimetres. Keep Reading

	Written 2009-07-01 13:00:00 by Gondi Gontlit likes so far. Be the first!

The Brain-Body Connection

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 18:00:00 -0400

Sober Body: Okay, okay Jeff play it cool. We're meeting her parents for the first time so just try and relax. Drunk Brain: Oh man, yo are we 'bout to chow down in Chinatown. I'm starvin' Marvin. Sober Body: Jesus are you drunk?!? We can NOT mess this up. Drunk Brain: Just livin la vida loca ese. Ricky Martone style. Body: How did that happen? I only had a quarter flute of chardonnay to loosen up. Brain: HAH! Try jungle juice bro. That wasn't red Gatorade you chugged after your run. Body: Gosh darnit this is an important moment! And you DRUGGED me! Brain: I drugged us. So we could have some fun, man. Body: Well you should be arrested. That's a crime. Brain: No crime in having a little fun. Body: Well, just be on your best behavior. No tomfoolery. Am I mean it mister. Shh, shh they're here. Be quiet. (Hello Mr. and Mrs. Robertson. Nice to meet you. Your daughter's a real schweetits) Body: No no no no no no no. What're you doing?!? Brain: Just goofing, man. They didn't hear it. Keep Reading

	Written 2009-06-30 18:00:00 by Jeff Rosenberg from likes so far. Be the first!

New Facebook Feature: Advanced Friend Suggestions

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 17:00:00 -0400

Tony Pierlioni

You and Tony both have developed increasingly frequent and increasingly impure thoughts about several relatives over the course of your last two family gatherings.

Add as Friend
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kinsey Durgin

You and Kinsey both list "The Broom Of The System", Dig!, and Fleet Foxes as your favorite book/movie/band, when in reality they are "It's Hard Out Here For A Shrimp", The Postman, and S Club 7.

Add as Friend

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Written 2009-06-30 17:00:00 by Conor McKeon from

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Issue One Hundred and Fifteen

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:00:00 -0400

Literature's junk drawer. I was looking at the shot puts for our track team. They have a warning label. It says, "Check surroundings for people before throwing." Shouldn't that be standard procedure for everything sharp? -Michael Lodato Uncomfortable Riddle A father and son are in a car accident. The father is killed instantly and the son is rushed to the emergency room. The doctor enters, looks at the boy, and says, "I can't operate on this boy, I'm a woman!" -Patrick Cassels I've been having a rough week. My dog was stolen, my car was run over, and my doctor diagnosed me with dyslexia. -Mike Cence Never put an exclamation mark at the end of "iPhone." It just looks like you're yelling the word "Phone" in Spanish. -Shawn Pearlman Keep Reading

	Written 2009-06-30 16:00:00 by 105%-O-Matic from likes so far. Be the first!

The Wingman Gets Laid Off

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:00:00 -0400

MIKE: Phil, could I see you in my office for a moment, please? PHIL: Ummm.......you mean the couch in front of the flatscreen TV? MIKE: Yes, exactly.....now, would you like anything to drink? Water? Coffee? Jagerbombs? PHIL: I'm good. So, uh, what are we doing tonight? Hitting up the pubs? Maybe a club? Keep Reading

	Written 2009-06-30 15:00:00 by Mike J likes so far. Be the first!

Cyanide and Happiness

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 12:00:00 -0400

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	Written 2009-06-30 12:00:00 by Cyanide & Happiness likes so far. Be the first!

3 Songs Without Auto-Tune

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 18:00:00 -0400

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	Written 2009-06-29 18:00:00 by Brian Murphy likes so far. Be the first!

The Keg Twitter Feed

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 17:00:00 -0400

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	Written 2009-06-29 17:00:00 by Alex Schmidt from likes so far. Be the first!

Roommate Confessions: Issue 83

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 16:00:00 -0400

It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page! You really didn't do anything to provoke me, hell, you're a pretty cool guy, so I guess I was just bored. Anyway, sorry about how I used to put paper clips in your food so it would spark up in the microwave and scare the sht out of you. Also, that time you slipped in the shower, that was canola oil, I find it has a less pungent smell, therefore raising less suspicion. Not to mention the time your bed collapsed because I loosened all the bolts and screws. Oh, and the ants in your Ramen incident. That was actually a tough one, putting JUST enough glue on the Ramen container so it looked untouched. Heh, sorry man. Matt A., School Not Given* Annoying 3rd floor girls, remember when us guys went fishing and brought back a dead fish. We were going to do a harmless prank and leave it under your couch for a day. But you found it 10 minutes after we put it there and flipped out on us even though it didn't smell yet. Well because you ratted us out, we decided to put it in your kitchen instead. Where it sat for about 6 weeks, and proceeded to stink up your whole hall for about 12 weeks. Next time I hope you learn to take a joke in the first place. E J, Oregon State Keep Reading

	Written 2009-06-29 16:00:00 by Jeff Rosenberg from likes so far. Be the first!

Amazing Superpowers

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:00:00 -0400

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	Written 2009-06-29 12:00:00 by AmazingSuperPowers likes so far. Be the first!

CollegeHumor: Recent Articles

Thomas Jefferson's 1st Draft of the Declaration of Independence

Sex on the Beach

If The Climactic ''Independence Day'' Speech Happened In Reality

Issue #1

The Arm Wrestler

12 Television Characters We Never See (Even Though They Were On TV)

World's Toughest Religious Studies Test

Parents Just Don't Understand: 7/1

Ruminations #155: Thirty

The Tanner You Get

Peeny measurement conversion explanation by Country

The Brain-Body Connection

New Facebook Feature: Advanced Friend Suggestions

Issue One Hundred and Fifteen

Literature's junk drawer.

Uncomfortable Riddle

The Wingman Gets Laid Off

Cyanide and Happiness

3 Songs Without Auto-Tune

The Keg Twitter Feed

Roommate Confessions: Issue 83

Amazing Superpowers